Handling Big Feelings (Before the Meltdown Starts)

If you’ve ever tried to talk a toddler down from a tantrum, you know it’s like reasoning with a tornado. That’s why in our house, we don’t wait for the meltdown; we practice calming strategies when the skies are clear.

One of our go-to tools? Deep breathing.

Taking slow, deep breaths activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the body’s natural brake pedal. It lowers heart rate, reduces stress hormones like cortisol, and helps shift the brain out of “fight or flight” mode. In other words, it’s one of the fastest ways to bring big feelings down to size.

But here’s the trick: the time to teach this isn’t in the middle of a meltdown. It’s in the everyday, ordinary moments.

So what’s my favorite way to practice with Pootie? Before I hand over something she’s really excited about (like a perfectly ripe strawberry or a popsicle on a hot day), I ask her to take three deep breaths with me. Sometimes she pretends she’s blowing bubbles, and other times, we do it together: big inhale, big exhale, three times.

And then she gets the strawberry.

It’s a little like potty training a puppy with treats: you create a positive association so they know, oh! This good thing comes when I do that thing. And while that may sound ridiculous, it works. Now, when my daughter starts to spiral, I can say, “Let’s do some deep breaths,” and she actually knows what that means.

It’s a tool in her emotional toolbox, and it didn’t get there by accident.

Other tips for building emotional regulation skills before the breakdown:

• Practice what you preach. Frustrated because you spilled your coffee? Use this opportunity to model your own emotional regulation by saying "wow, I'm really upset that I just did that! I'm going to take some deep breaths to calm myself down."

• Create a calming cue. Maybe you both place a hand on your heart when you’re upset, or say “reset.” Use it during low-stakes moments so it becomes a go-to in tough ones.

• Use transition times. Brushing teeth, buckling into the car seat, or even waiting for the microwave can be a chance to say, “Let’s take a breath while we wait.”

• Make it playful. Use pinwheels or pretend you’re blowing up a balloon.

Because here’s the truth: toddlers don’t come pre-loaded with coping skills. They have to learn them over time, with a lot of modeling, repetition, and patience.

And yes, there will still be meltdowns. But the goal isn’t to eliminate big feelings! It’s to give our kids the tools to work through them without completely unraveling. And those tools are way more likely to stick if we teach them before the storm hits.

That’s exactly the heart behind Moody Pootie, our second book in the “Pootie’s Little Life Lessons” series. It’s playful, rhythmic, and packed with ways to talk about frustration and calming down, even with the youngest readers.

Because sometimes the best time to teach emotional regulation… is right before a strawberry.